What is the 13th Step in AA?

Recovery support groups can be life-saving places for those who need help. But they’re not without problems; one of these issues is something called a “13th step.”

The 13th step is a behavior that can happen within support groups and put newcomers at serious risk of relapse. In this article, we’ll discuss the meaning of 13th stepping, why it occurs, and the potential consequences for both individuals and the broader recovery community.

By understanding this issue, we can work toward healthier, safer support for all.

What Is the 13th Step?

Recovery groups, particularly Alcoholics Anonymous, typically follow a 12-step program to guide people from substance use to a sober lifestyle. The so-called “13th step” is not part of any official curriculum.

Instead, it’s a term describing an unofficial and widely discouraged practice in which more experienced members pursue exploitative romantic or sexual relationships with newcomers.

A healthy AA interaction involves mutually respectful friendships or supportive sponsorships, free from ulterior motives.

Why is the 13th Step Problematic?

Many in the recovery community see the 13th step as a predatory dynamic. The older member, in terms of sobriety length or group status, might leverage the respect or admiration that newcomers naturally have for them.

Instead of focusing on sobriety and emotional healing, the newcomer can become entangled in a confusing and risky relationship. This can be detrimental to their healing journey in a few ways:

• Romantic entanglements can distract both parties from the core purpose of sobriety.
• When newcomers feel betrayed, they might abandon meetings altogether, losing vital support.
• Early sobriety is rife with fluctuating moods and fragile self-esteem. A failed relationship can significantly increase the risk of relapse.

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Why Does the 13th Step Occur?

In early recovery, newcomers often face a lot of emotional, physical, and social challenges. They might be battling withdrawal symptoms, financial strain, or the sting of lost relationships.

In these circumstances, they are vulnerable. When an AA member with years of sobriety or perceived authority initiates a relationship with someone newly sober, it can involve:

• Romantic or sexual advances that the newcomer may feel pressured to accept
• A fundamental breach of trust that undermines the newcomer’s sense of safety in the group

Emotional Instability

Substances often mask deep-rooted feelings. When a person stops drinking or using drugs, intense emotions, like shame, fear, and loneliness, rush forward.

In this exposed state, the reassurance from a “kind” older member can feel crucial, leading to blurred boundaries.

Developmental Factors

Many people start abusing substances in adolescence. Once sober, they might revert to the emotional maturity level at which they began using.

For instance, a 35-year-old may, in some ways, handle emotional challenges like a teenager. This mismatch in emotional and chronological age can amplify susceptibility.

Imbalance in Authority

Long-time members often speak with confidence, share success stories of extended sobriety, and have a social standing within the group. Newcomers naturally admire them.

This sets up a power imbalance, making newcomers feel compelled to follow the older member’s lead, even if that lead becomes manipulative.

Manipulation Tactics

An experienced AA member may initially shower the newcomer with attention and praise, sometimes referred to as “love bombing.” 

They might frame their advances as a form of helping, mentoring, or support, making it difficult for the newcomer to see the situation clearly or feel they can refuse.

Misinterpretations of Support

The overall environment in AA can be deeply emotional and personal. People open up about their darkest moments, forging a sense of intimacy.

It’s easy for this vulnerability to be confused with romantic attraction. Early sobriety can trigger intense feelings, which might be misread as a genuine romantic connection. 

Since newcomers tend to have low self-esteem and desire validation, they may also welcome attention without recognizing potential exploitation.

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What are the Implications of the 13th Step?

When someone experiences the 13th step, it can leave lasting scars, not just on them but on the group dynamics and the broader recovery culture.

AA revolves around mutual respect, open sharing, and collective support. Exploitation stands in stark opposition to these ideals.

The 13th step compromises the safe, nonjudgmental atmosphere crucial for recovery. When stories circulate, they sow fear and suspicion. People, especially women or those with a history of trauma, may avoid meetings, which can limit their support network.

What is the Potential Emotional Fallout?

A painful betrayal or breakup can overwhelm newcomers, possibly pushing them back to alcohol or drugs to cope. Feeling betrayed may also cause them to withdraw from meetings, lose confidence in the program, or distrust future relationships.

In terms of long-term psychological impact, such trauma can disrupt personal growth, prolonging the path to stable sobriety.

How Does the 13th Step Impact the Community?

If the behavior continues unchallenged, some members may defend the aggressor, while others side with the newcomer. This can divide the group and overshadow recovery efforts.

Media coverage of predatory practices can also tarnish the image of programs like AA. Fewer people might seek help through these groups if they fear they’ll be vulnerable to exploitation.

How to Avoid Committing the 13th Step?

Bringing the 13th step into the open is essential. AA and other 12-step fellowships do not officially condone such behavior, and many groups are taking steps to discourage it. Here’s how:

• Avoid early romance: Many counselors advise against getting into a romantic entanglement during the first year of sobriety.
• Find the right sponsor: Seek sponsorship from someone of the same gender or someone you trust to minimize risk.
• Group accountability: Speak openly about concerns in group discussions.
• Support from outside professionals: Therapists or counselors offer safe spaces to process experiences and learn healthy boundaries.
• Education and awareness: Discussions in meetings about healthy boundaries can normalize calling out inappropriate behavior.
• Setting clear group expectations: Some groups establish guidelines or disclaimers stating that members should not pursue romantic interests with newcomers.
• Creating safer spaces: Women’s, men’s, or LGBTQ-focused meetings can create environments where specific vulnerabilities are better understood and protected.

If you or someone you know feels uneasy about any interaction in a recovery group, remember: your instincts matter. Seek out trusted members, professional therapists, or even alternative meetings until you find a place that feels secure and respectful.

The goal of AA is to foster healing, mutual respect, and support among its members. By challenging the 13th step, we move closer to upholding those principles for everyone.

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